Guide to living in Bangkok – Part 2

Last month, The Bitch’s guide gave our newbie friends some valuable advice on arriving in Bangkok and finding somewhere to live. This month I offer my own brand of useful tidbits on filling your days in the land of smiles.

Finding Staff


a) You have got to have staff. Don’t worry that you have just spent the last 20 years of your life cooking, cleaning, driving and shopping for yourself. That is not the expat way. You must have staff. Maid, with/without childcare (delete as applicable), and Driver are mandatory accessories it this service heaven.


b) They work 7 days a week and can be paid as little as a lunch in you local Harvester.


Where to go in Bangkok


c) One Word – Nancy Chandler (well that’s two words actually). Buy it; buy a spare one, use it, don’t go anywhere not on it.


How to get around


d) What do you care? Use your driver.


e) Much has been said about the state of the pavements in Bangkok, and clearly jaywalking is a safer option. The pavements are not actually used by the Thais at all, and are put there to remind the westerners of home and to provide a fun alternative to the Krypton Factor assault course.


Find your local Villa


f) You need to buy the imported food as clearly local produce is either too cheap or too spicy.


g) Central Food Halls are a viable alternative, because they too contain no Thai food and are reassuringly expensive.


h) Or if you want to be brave and “go local”, ask your maid to shop for you.


Wais and Smiles


i) Thailand is known as the land of smiles, thanks to a rather perceptive past tourism minister, and along with the custom of Wai-ing, endear the Thai people to us foreigners (Farangs) as a gentle and good natured culture.


j) However the complexities of Wai-ing are rather difficult to master and my advice is to not attempt them until you are more comfortable with the fundamentals of Thai living. Indeed returning a Wai to each member of staff in you local hotel/restaurant is neither necessary nor good for your back.


k) Also the Thai smile is equally complex, conveying a variety of emotions and expressions. Here in Thailand it has been refined to a level almost akin to it’s own language. So the next time, god forbid, you find yourself walking along a pavement in downtown Bangkok, and a nice Thai lady across the street smiles at you, rather than smile (or even Wai) back, beware, the smile may actually mean “Oi you, yes, you with the strangely colourful hand-drawn map, watch out for that manhole cover it’s….too late.”


Learning to Speak Thai


l) As an expat, busily working your way across the Nancy Chandler map, you are unlikely to have the time, or the inclination to learn Thai. You can successfully communicate in English with your maid, driver, hairdresser, mani/pedicurist, dressmaker and staff at you local Italian restaurant. So where is the incentive? However should you get stuck, say having to use a taxi because the driver is ferrying the kids to Hotel Bumrungrad for another claim, then here are a few useful phrases to get you safely home.


i. Leo Sai – turn left
ii. Leo Kwar – turn right
iii. Sa-top – Stop


Finding somewhere to eat and drink


m) One Word – Nancy Chandler.


n) And for late night cocktails, follow the Trumpton fire brigade roll call: Huu! Q! Bed Supperclub! Met Bar, My Bar, Zuk.


o) More handy Thai phrases to help with drinks ordering
i. Sa-cuse – excuse me
ii. Kor – I would like / I want
iii. Bier – Beer
iv. Coke Lite – Diet Coke
v. Sa-prite – Sprite

So, you can see by following these few simple guidelines, your integration into the true Thai society in Bangkok will be smooth and easy.

Chock Dii Ka