Difference between a cat and an expat wife

I detest the image of expat wives; I loathe it as much as housewife. Infact the notion of any kind of wife smacks of being an appendage. Another description, while being fairer because it doesn’t presuppose gender, is “trailing spouses.” Well, that doesn’t have any negative connotations, does it? (Even though it may be more politically correct I challenge you to estimate the proportions of males to females in these so called trailing spouses!)

Many of these women don’t actually get a choice about becoming an expat wife – it happens simply because their spouse’s job moves them overseas. It happens, therefore, by proxy. Invariably their job or career (yes, amazingly, they do have them) is less relevant and they have to give it up. I wonder how many of them have any idea at that point, what a loaded concept it is to be an expat wife.

Let me tell you a joke I heard recently: What is the difference between a cat and an expat wife? One is a creature that just lazes around the condo all day, napping and waiting to be fed, the other is a cat.

Out recently I heard a Thai commenting to a farang woman in their party ‘Oh I am surprised you come out with us. You don’t go out with other expat wives?’ She wrinkled her nose with distaste when she said this. Another time a friend and I were paying for some stationery in Central Chit Lom when the farang woman in front of us began an uninvited diatribe on the dreadfulness of expat wives. (They won’t learn the language, they won’t find work, they sponge off their husbands, they spend all their time getting manicures, on and on). These aren’t one off examples: I have a long list of disparaging comments heard about expat wives…

At their most benevolent these critics imply that an expat wife is an airhead who has nothing better to do than go out to lunch and spend the rest of the day shopping vacuously. At the worst she’s self obsessed, plastic, spoiled, not in touch with the local culture, thinking herself superior to almost everyone simply by dint of having a husband who earns relatively well. She leaves her children to be brought up by staff, and ferried around their play dates by the driver. Some of them can’t get through the day without large quanities of alchohol. Oh yes, and I forget, did you know that all expat wives sleep with their driver/gardener/insert other male?

In my experience, the guiltiest people to judge and condemn the expat wife are other women. What? Hello? Aren’t there enough men making stereotypes of women? Before you shout that I’m some kind of disaffected feminist, I’m not bad mouthing men here, I’m castigating ignorant people who in some warped way think that they can judge ALL the members of a group for behaving the SAME way. What is shared in the BWG is a connection to the UK, a gender and living in Bangkok. It is not some homogenous group of women who hold the same opinions, believe the same thing or behave in the same way.

And yet, the ONE thing these judgemental people are sure of, is their superiority to any other female who joins a group of women. If these critics consider themselves to have the moral high ground when it comes to ability or intelligence, how come they are making such preposterous accusations about a group of totally random people? How ignorant, naïve and ridiculous is it to suggest that all women’s group members are all the same?

Womens’ groups are here in Bangkok if you want them: they are full of people having a variety of expat experiences, using the club to meet different needs. Not desiring the multitude of activities or support offered by a club doesn’t mean you have a right to condemn them.